The Realist Ate the Dreamer

This is the third time I'm beginning this post. Each time I get a few paragraphs in and then I don't know where to go anymore. I burrow so deep into my brain, about my job, my unhappiness with it, my dreams as a child to be something great and I just don't know where to go anymore. I've thought these thoughts a million times and each time I end up back where I start. So forgive me if I don't want to rehash them here.

I think too much and it all gets twisted together and confused and it all makes me so tired. I'm tired of working two jobs. I'm tired of not being challenged. I'm tired of running in circles to succeed at this job and running against a brick wall. I'm sick of staring at a computer all day. I feel like I'm a free spirit trapped in a realists shell and I don't know how to bring those to truths together. Deep down i want to be creative, to write, act, dance, sing, bring beauty to the world but instead I keep myself busy and go from one thankless job to another hating every moment and doing nothing about it.

I'm a dreamer and a realist and the realist in my clamps down on the dreamer and the dreams die. Or they fester and the creativity inside can't flourish and I give up the dreams. The problem is they're always there under the surface begging to get out. I tell them it's too hard, too much whatever and I do nothing. But then I'm at work and I'm not challenged, and I meet idiots that make fun of my use of the word exacerbate even though it may be one of the coolest words in the English language. Is it so much to ask to have a job that inspires me, a job I can be passionate about where I can contribute to the creation of something, to come to work excited about what the day holds and to go home feeling like i did something important with my day. I know that in my current job, even if I was the perfect employee and did everything they asked and got promotion after promotion I would never feel that way.

My mother reminds me that most people hate their job. She tells me that most people are just ordinary and that that's ok. I don't want to be ordinary. I've never been ordinary. I've never fit any mold that anyone has ever tried to fit me in. And i don't want to. I want to embrace my quirks, my overly introspective brain, my idiosyncrasies and flourish in a world of color. I don't want to live the rat race like at the beginning of Joe Vs. the Volcano. I don't want to be another cog in the wheel of the business world. I want to work somewhere people won't ask me what facetious means or call me a human thesaurus because they think I think I'm better than them. Believe me, if I could trade in just a little of my chaotic intelligence for just a little more administrative skill and gogetter energy I would. But unfortunately, just like the teenage dream of sharing breasts with a larger friend so we would both have more reasonably sized breast, that is never going to happen.