Word of the Day - Compunction

So I was in NYC on friday with two of my favorite people in the world, Kristy and Josh and I was discussing faith and how I had been throwing all my previous compunctions out the window. Josh was a little befuddled by the word and whipped out his IPhone to look it up. They both thought it was a pretty cool word so I thought I'd add it to my blog since I hadn't done a word of the day in a while.

compunction - kəmˈpʌŋkʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-puhngk-shuhn] –noun

1.	a feeling of uneasiness or anxiety of the conscience caused by regret for doing wrong or causing pain; contrition; remorse.

2.	any uneasiness or hesitation about the rightness of an action.

I think it's a great word. Yea Me!

Missing New York

My friend Millay had this picture up on her blog and it reminded me what I don't like to think about. That I really miss New York. When I first moved there was the excitement of the "New" and then i went through extreme home sickness. Now I try to not to think about it, but whenever someone asks me if I miss New York I have to admit that I do.

I miss living in NY. I've thought about my cozy coffee shop in Astoria, never having to worry about drinking and driving, $76 dollars a month unlimited subway, living a train ride away from the family, always things to do etc. I haven't focused on the high rents, having to live with a roommate, how expensive everything is, the snootiness in corporate America, the need to dress a certain way and carry a fancy purse.

Mostly though I've missed my friends, my church, only having one job. Many of my friends aren't there anymore. But many still are. I have to admit though that things would be different were I to move back. But mostly I think it would have to be better than here. I think I'm a city girl at heart. When i was in NY I lived in Astoria, Queens. I never thought I'd live in Queens but it was actually quite wonderful. It has a neighborhoody (i know, not a word) feel even though it's a hop, skip and a jump to midtown Manhattan. If I didn't want to go out but didn't feel like hanging in the apartment there was my local coffeeshop where everyone knew my name (Cue Cheers Theme Song) and the quirky, artsy New Yorkers came to chill. There was the Astoria Beer Garden with $14 pitchers of Hoegarten and the most delicious kilbase (Have no clue how to spell that), movies in Bryant Park in the Summer.

I remind myself how hard it was when i was out of work. How much I hated my rundown apartment even thought the location was fantastic. How much I hated living with a roommate. Somehow I'm still convinced i jumped too quickly. On the other hand I could still be out of work. If I hadn't moved here I never would have joined weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. So it's not that I wish I hadn't moved here but I'm starting to think I may need to consider going back.

I've grown up a lot since I've been here. I turned 30. Thought a lot about the future. But there's not much time to build a life when you work 70 hours a week. I've spent time in bars but that's not really the place to meet the kind of people I know will be the kind of friends I'm looking for. I'm sick of going out drinking and calling that a life. Don't get me wrong. I love a good beer with the rest of them but there's more to life.

When did I get so darned negative. I guess that's the danger of over thinking everything. It goes with the territory. Well no more. I'm going to take this weekend at home and make some decisions about the future. I'm going to let the dreamer in me run wild and let the realist take those dreams and make some plans. I'm only 30 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. here goes nothing.

I Liked Him First

Since I've been so serious lately I decided to add a little humor. I just want to state for the record that I liked David Cook way before the rest of America and all his new little girly groupies realized what a star he could be. I'm sad that I'll never have the chance to meet him in a bar as a "regular person" and have him realize how much we have in common. Yeah, I know. The chances of that happening with him in Omaha and me in DC were really slim but i can't begin to say how slim they are now. Not to mention that Simon has a bit of a point about his arrogance but I mean, who wouldn't be arrogant with that kind of talent. He's got the whole package but him and me are never to be. That's ok. I've never truly crushed on a person on tv before and I'll get over it. He'll have hot little dimwits hitting on him and I'm sure he'll succumb. My hope is that eventually his brain will win out and he'll meet someone smart and funny like me and they'll be happy.

It was really touching to see him sing for his brother. My dad has cancer and I know how hard it can be to have someone you love going through that. The difference is that my dad will probably be ok and his brother probably won't. My thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family.

And by the way! He rocks! Way to come out of nowhere and dominate. Little David on the other hand has a beautiful voice but no personality or originality. I'd rather see Carly or Jason in the final two with David Cook. Here's hoping. And does anyone have any clue why the judges are so hard on Carly? I think she's wonderful and they keep trashing on her. Whatever. She'll be a star no matter what. She rocks!

The Realist Ate the Dreamer

This is the third time I'm beginning this post. Each time I get a few paragraphs in and then I don't know where to go anymore. I burrow so deep into my brain, about my job, my unhappiness with it, my dreams as a child to be something great and I just don't know where to go anymore. I've thought these thoughts a million times and each time I end up back where I start. So forgive me if I don't want to rehash them here.

I think too much and it all gets twisted together and confused and it all makes me so tired. I'm tired of working two jobs. I'm tired of not being challenged. I'm tired of running in circles to succeed at this job and running against a brick wall. I'm sick of staring at a computer all day. I feel like I'm a free spirit trapped in a realists shell and I don't know how to bring those to truths together. Deep down i want to be creative, to write, act, dance, sing, bring beauty to the world but instead I keep myself busy and go from one thankless job to another hating every moment and doing nothing about it.

I'm a dreamer and a realist and the realist in my clamps down on the dreamer and the dreams die. Or they fester and the creativity inside can't flourish and I give up the dreams. The problem is they're always there under the surface begging to get out. I tell them it's too hard, too much whatever and I do nothing. But then I'm at work and I'm not challenged, and I meet idiots that make fun of my use of the word exacerbate even though it may be one of the coolest words in the English language. Is it so much to ask to have a job that inspires me, a job I can be passionate about where I can contribute to the creation of something, to come to work excited about what the day holds and to go home feeling like i did something important with my day. I know that in my current job, even if I was the perfect employee and did everything they asked and got promotion after promotion I would never feel that way.

My mother reminds me that most people hate their job. She tells me that most people are just ordinary and that that's ok. I don't want to be ordinary. I've never been ordinary. I've never fit any mold that anyone has ever tried to fit me in. And i don't want to. I want to embrace my quirks, my overly introspective brain, my idiosyncrasies and flourish in a world of color. I don't want to live the rat race like at the beginning of Joe Vs. the Volcano. I don't want to be another cog in the wheel of the business world. I want to work somewhere people won't ask me what facetious means or call me a human thesaurus because they think I think I'm better than them. Believe me, if I could trade in just a little of my chaotic intelligence for just a little more administrative skill and gogetter energy I would. But unfortunately, just like the teenage dream of sharing breasts with a larger friend so we would both have more reasonably sized breast, that is never going to happen.