Word of the Day - Compunction

So I was in NYC on friday with two of my favorite people in the world, Kristy and Josh and I was discussing faith and how I had been throwing all my previous compunctions out the window. Josh was a little befuddled by the word and whipped out his IPhone to look it up. They both thought it was a pretty cool word so I thought I'd add it to my blog since I hadn't done a word of the day in a while.

compunction - kəmˈpʌŋkʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-puhngk-shuhn] –noun

1.	a feeling of uneasiness or anxiety of the conscience caused by regret for doing wrong or causing pain; contrition; remorse.

2.	any uneasiness or hesitation about the rightness of an action.

I think it's a great word. Yea Me!

Missing New York

My friend Millay had this picture up on her blog and it reminded me what I don't like to think about. That I really miss New York. When I first moved there was the excitement of the "New" and then i went through extreme home sickness. Now I try to not to think about it, but whenever someone asks me if I miss New York I have to admit that I do.

I miss living in NY. I've thought about my cozy coffee shop in Astoria, never having to worry about drinking and driving, $76 dollars a month unlimited subway, living a train ride away from the family, always things to do etc. I haven't focused on the high rents, having to live with a roommate, how expensive everything is, the snootiness in corporate America, the need to dress a certain way and carry a fancy purse.

Mostly though I've missed my friends, my church, only having one job. Many of my friends aren't there anymore. But many still are. I have to admit though that things would be different were I to move back. But mostly I think it would have to be better than here. I think I'm a city girl at heart. When i was in NY I lived in Astoria, Queens. I never thought I'd live in Queens but it was actually quite wonderful. It has a neighborhoody (i know, not a word) feel even though it's a hop, skip and a jump to midtown Manhattan. If I didn't want to go out but didn't feel like hanging in the apartment there was my local coffeeshop where everyone knew my name (Cue Cheers Theme Song) and the quirky, artsy New Yorkers came to chill. There was the Astoria Beer Garden with $14 pitchers of Hoegarten and the most delicious kilbase (Have no clue how to spell that), movies in Bryant Park in the Summer.

I remind myself how hard it was when i was out of work. How much I hated my rundown apartment even thought the location was fantastic. How much I hated living with a roommate. Somehow I'm still convinced i jumped too quickly. On the other hand I could still be out of work. If I hadn't moved here I never would have joined weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. So it's not that I wish I hadn't moved here but I'm starting to think I may need to consider going back.

I've grown up a lot since I've been here. I turned 30. Thought a lot about the future. But there's not much time to build a life when you work 70 hours a week. I've spent time in bars but that's not really the place to meet the kind of people I know will be the kind of friends I'm looking for. I'm sick of going out drinking and calling that a life. Don't get me wrong. I love a good beer with the rest of them but there's more to life.

When did I get so darned negative. I guess that's the danger of over thinking everything. It goes with the territory. Well no more. I'm going to take this weekend at home and make some decisions about the future. I'm going to let the dreamer in me run wild and let the realist take those dreams and make some plans. I'm only 30 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. here goes nothing.

I Liked Him First

Since I've been so serious lately I decided to add a little humor. I just want to state for the record that I liked David Cook way before the rest of America and all his new little girly groupies realized what a star he could be. I'm sad that I'll never have the chance to meet him in a bar as a "regular person" and have him realize how much we have in common. Yeah, I know. The chances of that happening with him in Omaha and me in DC were really slim but i can't begin to say how slim they are now. Not to mention that Simon has a bit of a point about his arrogance but I mean, who wouldn't be arrogant with that kind of talent. He's got the whole package but him and me are never to be. That's ok. I've never truly crushed on a person on tv before and I'll get over it. He'll have hot little dimwits hitting on him and I'm sure he'll succumb. My hope is that eventually his brain will win out and he'll meet someone smart and funny like me and they'll be happy.

It was really touching to see him sing for his brother. My dad has cancer and I know how hard it can be to have someone you love going through that. The difference is that my dad will probably be ok and his brother probably won't. My thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family.

And by the way! He rocks! Way to come out of nowhere and dominate. Little David on the other hand has a beautiful voice but no personality or originality. I'd rather see Carly or Jason in the final two with David Cook. Here's hoping. And does anyone have any clue why the judges are so hard on Carly? I think she's wonderful and they keep trashing on her. Whatever. She'll be a star no matter what. She rocks!

The Realist Ate the Dreamer

This is the third time I'm beginning this post. Each time I get a few paragraphs in and then I don't know where to go anymore. I burrow so deep into my brain, about my job, my unhappiness with it, my dreams as a child to be something great and I just don't know where to go anymore. I've thought these thoughts a million times and each time I end up back where I start. So forgive me if I don't want to rehash them here.

I think too much and it all gets twisted together and confused and it all makes me so tired. I'm tired of working two jobs. I'm tired of not being challenged. I'm tired of running in circles to succeed at this job and running against a brick wall. I'm sick of staring at a computer all day. I feel like I'm a free spirit trapped in a realists shell and I don't know how to bring those to truths together. Deep down i want to be creative, to write, act, dance, sing, bring beauty to the world but instead I keep myself busy and go from one thankless job to another hating every moment and doing nothing about it.

I'm a dreamer and a realist and the realist in my clamps down on the dreamer and the dreams die. Or they fester and the creativity inside can't flourish and I give up the dreams. The problem is they're always there under the surface begging to get out. I tell them it's too hard, too much whatever and I do nothing. But then I'm at work and I'm not challenged, and I meet idiots that make fun of my use of the word exacerbate even though it may be one of the coolest words in the English language. Is it so much to ask to have a job that inspires me, a job I can be passionate about where I can contribute to the creation of something, to come to work excited about what the day holds and to go home feeling like i did something important with my day. I know that in my current job, even if I was the perfect employee and did everything they asked and got promotion after promotion I would never feel that way.

My mother reminds me that most people hate their job. She tells me that most people are just ordinary and that that's ok. I don't want to be ordinary. I've never been ordinary. I've never fit any mold that anyone has ever tried to fit me in. And i don't want to. I want to embrace my quirks, my overly introspective brain, my idiosyncrasies and flourish in a world of color. I don't want to live the rat race like at the beginning of Joe Vs. the Volcano. I don't want to be another cog in the wheel of the business world. I want to work somewhere people won't ask me what facetious means or call me a human thesaurus because they think I think I'm better than them. Believe me, if I could trade in just a little of my chaotic intelligence for just a little more administrative skill and gogetter energy I would. But unfortunately, just like the teenage dream of sharing breasts with a larger friend so we would both have more reasonably sized breast, that is never going to happen.

The World Inside My Head

You know, it can get very tiring living inside my head all the time. I can't comment on how it differs for others, maybe they all wish for a break from their thought lives sometimes. I can't say. I just know that my whole life I've been told I'm "Too Smart for My Own Good" for whatever that means. I know that I over explain things because my brain parses everything, important or not, into the tiniest fractions of relevance. In my faith journey I've struggled because my brain is constantly looking for the rational answer and faith doesn't always work that way. Actually it usually doesn't. A caring friend that wanted me to have a closer relationship with God often admonished me to, "turn off your brain." Others have interpreted this to mean that I don't believe that a thinking, intelligent person can have a deep relationship with God. That's not what I think. However I think based on my semi-Jewish, semi-secular upbringing and natural inclination to follow things to the most extreme conclusions and inability to just accept something on faith it has been personally difficult for me to, "Let go, and let God" as the common axiom goes.

I think we all have the tendency to over-think things at times. Especially when in a new dating relationship or a new job for example. Will he call, does he like me, what does it mean that he texted and didn't call etc. The frustrating thing is that I do this with everything down to pointless digressions into what I should have for dinner. I once had a therapist who asked me how I live in my brain? Some might interpret this out of context to mean she thought I was nuts. That's not what she meant at all. I think she was amazed at how self-aware I was, at how deeply and intricately I parsed every subject, at how observant I was. She observed that this could be a very tiring way to live and believe me it is. I'm as sane as anyone but if someone wonders why I talk so much it's because I tend to think out loud for some reason. That's why writing is good for me and I often wonder why I don't do it more. I think often it's easier not to process the thoughts at all. They're there whether I acknowledge them or not but if I don't vocalize them I don't have to deal with them. At least not right away. Those things that I ignore usually come back to bite me in the tuchus. Inevitable.

Friends often laugh at me because I joke about wishing I was stupid. "Ignorance is Bliss" and all that. We were actually talking about that as a philosophical conundrum in relation to a book one our publishers is putting out. The proposition is if there is a man who is very happy and thinks his life is perfect because he is ignorant to the truth, is that better than being aware and going through the pain of realizing everything is a mess. I guess there are pros and cons to both. As I am now I would say it's better to be aware. Then again one of the things my therapist was expressing by asking me that question had to do with my tendency to see things as worse than they are. Take faith for example. The difficulties I have are probably not too different from that of others who have been Christian for a while and yet anything less than a deep intimate walk with God is unsatisfactory to me and so it seems perhaps worse than it really is or how another in the same situation would view it. Even when i don't think I'm being that way people admonish me not to be so hard on myself. Others would say its just the Virgo in me popping out since I'm such a perfectionist. If I can't do things perfectly I'll often consider not attempting them at all. I don't know much else about being a virgo but that one fits me pretty well.

I guess the real issue is whether I appreciate the intelligence I was presumably gifted by God. I guess I do. I don't know if I mentioned this in the blog at all but I think my dissatisfaction has partly come from the realization that it is others dislike of certain of my qualities that has caused me to be unhappy with them, rather than my own dislike. My desire to be "stupid" is more the desire to "fit in" to be accepted by others. But when I throw down my people pleasing tendencies and really look at myself I like those quirks and idiosyncrasies. I don't really deep down want to be "normal" for whatever that means, or boring, or just like everyone else. I guess I wish more people could appreciate them but really they are what make me who i am. I march to the beat of my own drum as they say. My brain often works on a different playing field than others. I see the world in a unique way and I kind of like it. I confuse people sometimes and maybe that scares them. I don't know. I love that I am observant and see things others don't. It's like I have special goggles with which I see the world. What I need to do is channel that into writing, which is what I'd really like to do. What stops me is my desire to be as good as my favorite writers. I don't like to do things in a mediocre way. I guess mediocre is better than nothing.

Note on Hillary Post

Just a note on the "Hillary" post. A few comments pointed out that perhaps the moniker was of her own choosing. I don't think that negates the point that in general we often do refer to women differently than men. It makes me wonder if she thought of the possible indications such a reference would make. I can see the reason she might want to differentiate herself from her husband to whom the Clinton name is synonymous and yet as I said in my own comment it is an ironic point when you consider how much of her touted "experience" is tied to his career and accomplishments to which she owns her own. I think it's clear that some of the problems she has run into is the conflicting problem of trying to run on his career while trying to create herself as an individual with the ability to be president.

Hilary or Sen. Clinton? What's in a name?

As I've been watching the news recently keeping up with the presidential race something has been niggling at me. Why is it that John McCain is referred to as McCain, Barack Obama is referred to as Obama and Hilary Clinton is referred to as Hilary? Do they feel more familiar with her? Do they worry people will think they are talking about Bill Clinton? We can solve that, let's call her Senator Clinton. "Bill" was never a senator. He's often referred to as President Clinton.

No. I think the problem goes deeper. The big issue right now is race. Should Obama be viewed as a "black" candidate? Is it fair to make race an issue? Racial prejudice is universally agreed upon to be a bad thing. At least by those who aren't racially prejudice. It's out in the open. It is a major problem in this country but at least people are talking about it. What we aren't talking about is gender prejudice or gender bias. If "Hilary" were a man would anyone refer to her by her first name? I don't think so.

You don't hear, "John, the republican nominee visited Iraq yesterday," or "Barack spoke about the anti-American comments of his pastor on Larry King Live." It may seem like a small issue but it's not. Ever since Obama's name started to make the rounds of presidential discussion a couple years ago I voiced the opinion to my sister who was reading Obama's first book at the time that I thought the American people were more likely to elect a black man to office than a white woman. Gender prejudice isn't discussed often. There's an assumption that it no longer exists. I don't know them offhand but there are studies that women make less money than their male counterparts in the work world. When you see women CEO's or excutives they've usually passed their children off to nannies, ended up divorced or stayed single. Again I don't have a study to back me up but I do work in the business world and have seen many examples of this. I know women who would like to work part-time until their children are old enough to go to school lose their jobs. You also don't see many men choosing to stay home with the children.

There are many more informed people than myself on the issue of gender equality but I feel challenged to look into it more. I'm basing my comments solely on observation. Now if you ask me if I think that being a woman is Hillary's only negative I would have to say a hearty "NO". In some ways it's a positive. Woman, especially baby boomers, have been waiting for a long time to a elect a woman as president and their votes will go to (see I did it - I called her Hillary) Sen. Clinton. I would like to see a woman as president but I personally disagree with much of what Clinton purports.

A huge negative for her is that she is a polarizing figure. Many people don't like her and many probably don't know why. My mother has not respect for her because she stayed with Bill Clinton for political gain despite his flagrant philandering. I wonder if there aren't a lot of other women that feel that way. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." How many times has Clinton stepped out on Sen. Clinton? I've lost track. As far as I know my mother has voted democrat in every election since before I was born. This same women went and voted for McCain in the primaries.

She's also trying to run on her husband's record. She has 8 or less years in the senate. That's not that long a time. Don't start me on the 2 Obama has. Does being first lady prepare you to be president?

I'm not denying she's a smart women. In fact she is probably pretty capable of doing the job whether I would like the job she did being a different story altogether. But it is wrong to call her "Hillary" and act like that's not making a huge statement. Just my 2 cents.

McCain at the Wailing Wall

I wanted to post this because I think it's a great picture. Sure he wanted the photo op, but regardless of what people think his motives are it was a chance to show respect to the people of Israel. As a Christian he prays to the same God as the Jewish people though each religion has divergent opinions about the person of Jesus.

Besides showing him praying at the Western Wall however, it shows beside him Senator Joe Lieberman, a respected Senator, former democrat and current independent. It reflects what I like about McCain--his willingness to cross party lines, his friendship with people with differing opinions and beliefs and his ability to bring people togethe

Word of the Day - Unquiet

I got some surprising news yesterday and am waiting for more details. It's making me somewhat restless today so I chose a fitting word. We're more familiar with anxious or impatient. I think this is a good one and very descriptive.

unquiet

1.	agitated; restless; disordered; turbulent: unquiet times.

2.	mentally or emotionally disturbed; vexed or perturbed; uneasy: He felt unquiet and alone.

3.	a state of agitation, turbulence, disturbance, etc.: Unquiet spread throughout the land.

Try using it in a sentence.

Word of the Day - Querulous

Well I'm not sure where this word came from today. I decided to do a word of the day (can I call it that since I don't do it every day?) and this is what popped into my head. Yes, big or rarely used words reside in my head and occasionally I can pull them out. I have no control over which ones will strike my fancy or come to mind at given moment. Once in college a friend called out that someone should ask me for a synonym because I was a "Human Thesaurus". I tried to help them understand that I can't predict how useful I would be because sometimes I draw a blank. I actually found it quite annoying because it implies that I'm odd for having a large vocabulary.

Isn't that a sad comment on American Society that a person who speaks well is considered an oddity. Am I the only one that finds something magical about finding a word that has a very specific, nuanced meaning as opposed to using a string of words that only touch on what you're trying to say? I doubt I'm the ONLY one but I think we are few and far between. I get excited at the way a particular word rolls off my tongue. I like the feeling and taste of the word, the memories it elicits of good books I've read or of a funny encounter. Words for me are similar to someone flipping through old photographs. It's fun for me.

Anyway, here's the word of the day. Sorry for my moment of navel-gazing. I got this off dictionary.com in case I need to legally give credit where credit is due. I LURVE Dictionary.com.

quer·u·lous /ˈkwɛrələs, ˈkwɛryə-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kwer-uh-luhs, kwer-yuh-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	full of complaints; complaining.

2.	characterized by or uttered in complaint; peevish: a querulous tone; constant querulous reminders of things to be done.

I was irritated by her querulous manner because it often put me in a foul mood.

I was trying to be patient but her querulous response to everything I said led me to have a negative first impression of my brother's girlfriend.

Sue me if those sentences aren't good. Didn't have time to look them but I think they should work. I think my choice of this word is timely in that I've been in a bit of a mood for a few days. Things haven't been going particularly my way it's starting to irritate me. It's calling me to react in a QUERULOUS manner ;)

PS. I only use one emoticon for those that find them distasteful. I tend to be very facetious and it is not always apparent in writing and so for that reason I use the wink.

Word of the Day - Minutiae

In honor of my punk teacher friend who teased me for my over-analytical controlling tendencies I am choosing MINUTIAE as today's word of the day. What a fun word it is and certainly it is not used enough. Why say "tiny little details" or "unimportant little details" or something to the effect when there is one perfectly crafted word with a beautifully nuanced meaning in Minutiae. It's also a good word for me since I often get caught in the quagmire of minutiae that my brain can't find it's way out of. I am the QUEEN of over explanation or over-analyzing. Ok, maybe not the queen, but definitely a Lady or Countess.

Minutiae - precise details; small or trifling matters: the minutiae of his craft.

I'm Not a Republican

People assume that because I support McCain for President I am a Republican. Right now I like to classify myself as independent because my political views are still forming. It might seem a little late in the game for that to be the case but I stayed out of the political fray for many reasons for a long time. I was very turned off by the apparent corruption of so many politicians, by the flip-flopping, by so many saying what people wanted to hear when running but then doing the opposite once in office. I was sick of having to choose the "better of two evils" in an election because both candidates were severely flawed.

I also knew that there were so many issues involved in choosing a party and in the world of politics, and I am reticent to tack my support behind something I am not completely informed about. I know that most who vote don't know half of what they are supporting but I didn't want to be a sheep and for that reason, though I voted for president, I wasn't very vocal and certainly wasn't happy with my lack of knowledge. So right now I am trying to learn how Washington works, what the main issues are, what the variables are, what issues need to be absolute and which ones can handle compromise.

I was raised in a fairly liberal but generally non-political home, and then went through a period where I sided on the conservative front because of social beliefs. I've since realized those issues aren't the ones that are important and that in most cases I don't believe that should even be dealt with in the political forum. I've laid all that aside and am trying to find out what I truly believe. I have a strong feeling that when my knowledge of the issues becomes as fully informed as possible and all the cards are on the table I will find that I am not fully Republican or Democrat. It goes against my nature to buy into something wholesale when issues tend to be nuanced and complicated. I'll probably find as I am already that I like some of the ideas on both sides and maybe some that don't fit with either.

But that brings me to why I like McCain. I see in him a level of integrity that I don't in most politicians. I met him, though only for a moment, and he had something that attracted me to him. He has a kindness and an authority about him that is palpable even in our short greeting. He showed this integrity in a choice he made to stay a POW and stay with his men in Vietnam when he was offered a chance to go. He is known as a maverick for the fact that he does not tow the line for political gain. He makes unpopular decisions to stay true to his beliefs. I like McCain for the very reasons right wing conservatives don't. He has shown the willingness to cross party lines to get things done where other politicians won't and therefore nothing gets done. Better to get 70% of you what you want and see change than get nothing done cause you won't budge. I admire his tenacity, his straightforward style and his willingness to see both sides of an issue. I

I think he has the skills and knowledge to handle the quagmire that is Iraq and to handle it responsibly and with wisdom. It's time to stop arguing over whether we should be there. The fact is that we are there and it would be a dishonor to the men and women who have died and been wounded to pull out and give up and make their deaths and injuries count for nothing. We also have a responsibility to help Iraq avoid civil war and chaos. Yes we shouldn't hold that responsibility but the damage has been done and it is our fault and the consequences to ourselves should Al Queda take over would be more detrimental than people realize. I think McCain could help us avoid that.

I do see many things to admire in Obama. He is an excellent speaker and it is easy to see why so many fall behind him. He has a message of hope and change, and in the light of the last 7 years that is very appealing. I worry that he doesn't have the experience to lead this country yet. I do think he is capable but wonder if it wouldn't be better to wait till he has gained that experience. I don't feel assured that he knows enough of International Affairs or Immigration to handle these complicated issues. He's an ideas man and that is important but he is young and certainly has a bright future, but I don't know that that is now. If it were another Republican and not McCain he would face in a general election I might find myself supporting him. I can't say that for sure because there is still so much more I need to learn about his positions. I do know that I wouldn't have been happy with any of the other Republican candidates.

So for all these reasons I support McCain but am not a Republican. I am an intelligent woman living in Maryland that marches to the beat of my own drum and may never choose a party. For now I support McCain and that is enough.

So Explain the Shrinking Part to Me...

So some of you may wonder why the word "shrinking" is in the title of my blog. That is meant to refer to the journey of weight loss that I am on, or rather was on. I've hit a bit of a road block and I'm having trouble getting the car moving again.

I started my current weight loss journey in July. I lost 40 lbs and look pretty cute if I do say so myself. But I'm not happy with pretty cute, I want to be Smokin' Hot! Ha ha. Anyway, it was pretty smooth sailing, but then again I've done this before and the first stretch usually is. I thought this time might be different since I got past my usual stumbling block of 30 lbs. But alas, I hit that point where things in my life changed and once again have spent months in the general vicinity of the same 4 lbs.

I can point to a lot of things that have contributed to this, such as a new part time job with an endless supply of bread, lack of time to go shopping for appropriate food, for true workouts beyond waitressing and for cooking healthy meals. But probably it's a combination of laziness and self sabotage. Maybe I'm comfortable where I'm at because it's been so long since I was truly thin. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown or having to take responsibility for my life. I guess i wouldn't define myself as fat anymore but if I were to stop working on this thing tomorrow it wouldn't be long before I was back where I started.

This is the point where I've quit in the past. I get frustrated paying for Weight Watchers and ostensibly "trying" to lose weight and getting nowhere week after week. This time however I have a support network that might come out to DC and hit me with a 2X4 if I do that. Ladies you know who you are. I'm on two message boards, something I've never done before in my life, of ladies and a couple men who are going through the same things I am. Having these people in my life to encourage me on hard days and celebrate with me on the good has really helped keep me from jumping off this train.

The other day, when I told my mom I'd miss my Weight Watcher meeting for the third week in a row my mother said, "That's it. You're done. You're not going back." I said, "What are you talking about. I just overslept." But I knew she had a point. Then I got a post card from my meeting leader telling me to stay with it because I've seen so much success. I knew that I couldn't be derailed by my mother's fatalism or my own frustrations. I'm just not sure what I need to get back with the program. So I've decided to set some goals.

1. Go shopping for healthy food to keep in the house.
2. Bring my lunch to work.
3. Limit Caramel Machiattos to once a week.
4. Drink more water
5. No more bread and mashed potatoes at work.
6. Eat something before going to Outback to stave off hunger.

Hmmm...Maybe 6 things is a little much but I'll try to do at least a couple this coming week. Tomorrow is day 1 so here goes nothing. Thanks to all who are supporting me in this journey.

Word of the Day

Today's word of the day is Exult. I noticed that when i tried to think of the word of the day i kept coming up with things that were negative like Portentious, so I tried to think of something positive. I love this word, because event though it isn't technically a "big" word it is one that isn't used that often and I think it has a wonderful feel to it.

ex·ult /ɪgˈzʌlt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ig-zuhlt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –verb (used without object)

1.	to show or feel a lively or triumphant joy; rejoice exceedingly; be highly elated or jubilant: They exulted over their victory.

2.	Obsolete. to leap, esp. for joy.

As she stared around at her family she exulted in the wonder of never having to be alone and having people to share the joys of life with.

An ecstatic smile spread across her face as the exultation of the moment seeped through her as her newborn daughter was lowered into her arms.

Apologies

Something I've learned in my extensive experience at life is that it is easier to do things right than to try to apologize. Unfortunately we are all flawed, myself included, and we are going to hurt people, say hurtful things in a frustrated moment, fail to see things from another's perspective, see things as though through a foggy glass colored by our own perception of things and ultimately make many, many mistakes.

Yesterday I did all of the above. On a message board I'm on I've allowed my own perception of things to cause me to dislike a regular poster. Yesterday, I was in a rather testy mood and in a moment of frustration with this person, lashed out a bit. I hemmed and hawed and made excuses but ultimately thought about how it would have felt if I had been new to the group and had been talked to in this manner. People have often misperceived my intentions or disliked something I've said and I haven't liked having this pointed out to me in a superior manner. I realized that this is exactly what I did to her.

Regardless of my personal feelings it was inappropriate and certainly not a kind thing to do and so I apologized. I offered an olive branch and even suggested that perhaps it was those flaws that I have, that I recognized in her, that were bothering me. Perhaps we could grow from this situation and move on toward, if not friendship, at least some sort of equanimity. Unfortunately this person did not reply and for fear of causing further conflict I have not brought it up. I was completely sincere in my apology. I am the first one to change my tune once I recognize a mistake that I have made. It is an attribute I value in myself. It would be nice if I didn't make the mistakes in the first place and I hope I make less than I used to, but we are all bound to make mistakes now and again.

I'm not sure what to do, but I know that I will endeavor to see things from other perspectives before I lash out from a place of impatience.

Navel Gazing

You may have noticed that I'm guilty of a bit too much navel gazing. I can't really help myself. My brain turns in on itself and out come words of intensity and emotion. It can be frustrating at times, making it difficult to relax and just have fun. I have fun, but my sense of what is fun is often different than others. If something affects me deeply it can be hard for me to throw it off and relax, even if I'm at a party. Perhaps that's why I've sought out going to bars so much lately. I tend to relax more when I'm drinking but that's my head not my body. I've been very tired lately because I've been burning the candle at both ends.

It's also why I enjoy one on one conversations so much. It's easier to get past the superficial and discuss what's really important in life. Many appreciate that about me and often seek me out to vent or to get advice. I've also seen that it turns some off as many do not like to look inside themselves, and my innate introspection also helps me see inside others and get down to what's really going on. I can see truth in expressions or what's being said between the lines of a conversation. The truth is I wish sometimes that I could be one of those people. I wish that I could push down what's in my heart or mind and just live on the surface sometimes, ignore what's really going on. The makeup of my personality and mind don't allow that. So I've learned to live in that place of intensity and empathy.

I have often disliked this side of myself. But yesterday I realized that this was more because I knew it bothered others and less because I didn't like it about myself. I love that I feel things strongly. I love that I can see the world in a way others can't. I love that I can see all the colors of the world, the vibrancy in every day events that others may see in black and white. Yes it means I'm more aware of the pain and the sadness in the world. But I'm also more aware of the joys of the little moments, the wonder of little successes. I can truly enjoy and appreciate the joys of intimate conversations and the beauty of truly knowing someone. It does make me very critical of superficiality and I don't always realize why something irritates me and may react before I have time to think.

I joke sometimes that I wish I was stupid. The old adage ignorance is bliss holds some temptation. In truth I'm proud of the measure of intelligence I've been given. It's my greatest asset and my greatest Achilles Heal. I've often notices that to find our biggest flaws you simply need to look at the other side of your biggest assets. When someone annoys you, perhaps you need to look closer and realize that those things that bother you about someone might be the very things you need to work on and that is why it causes such reaction.

I think I've lost the plot of this post. That's one of the problems with stream of consciousness. I could probably clean this up and make it more clean but perhaps you'll find some wisdom in the natural outpouring of my thoughts.

Later

Word Exploration - Optimism

Ok. For the few of you that actually read this I thought I had delved into the inner recesses of my emotional psyche long enough and will bring you a few words to brighten your day. Ok, maybe words don't do for you what they do for me. I'll just do it for me and you can enjoy it or hate it as you will.

1. Did you know that Pollyannaism is a real word. No seriously. I looked up Optimism in the thesaurus and there it was. I'll even give you the dictionary.com definition.

Pol·ly·an·na /ˌpɒliˈænə/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pol-ee-an-uh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	an excessively or blindly optimistic person.

–adjective

2.	(often lowercase) Also, Pol·ly·an·na·ish. unreasonably or illogically optimistic: some pollyanna notions about world peace.

---

[Origin: from the name of the child heroine created by Eleanor Porter (1868–1920), American writer]

That's sweet no? Let's see what other synonyms for Optimism i can can up with.

2. Well i learned something new today. I've heard of a sanguine expression but didn't necessarily have a grip on all it's nuanced meanings. Did you know it is a synonym for optimistic? Go figure. Check it out:

san·guine (sāng'gwĭn) Pronunciation Key
adj.

1. 1. Of the color of blood; red.
   2. Of a healthy reddish color; ruddy: a sanguine complexion.
   3. Having blood as the dominant humor in terms of medieval physiology.
   4. Having the temperament and ruddy complexion formerly thought to be characteristic of a person dominated by this humor; passionate.
2. Archaic
   1. Having blood as the dominant humor in terms of medieval physiology.
   2. Having the temperament and ruddy complexion formerly thought to be characteristic of a person dominated by this humor; passionate.
3. Cheerfully confident; optimistic.

So it has to do with blood and optimism. Hmmm....check out this root info:

The similarity in form between sanguine, "cheerfully optimistic," and sanguinary, "bloodthirsty," may prompt one to wonder how they have come to have such different meanings. The explanation lies in medieval physiology with its notion of the four humors or bodily fluids (blood, bile, phlegm, and black bile). The relative proportions of these fluids was thought to determine a person's temperament. If blood was the predominant humor, one had a ruddy face and a disposition marked by courage, hope, and a readiness to fall in love. Such a temperament was called sanguine, the Middle English ancestor of our word sanguine. The source of the Middle English word was Old French sanguin, itself from Latin sanguineus. Both the Old French and Latin words meant "bloody," "blood-colored," Old French sanguin having the sense "sanguine in temperament" as well. Latin sanguineus was in turn derived from sanguis, "blood," just as English sanguinary is. The English adjective sanguine, first recorded in Middle English before 1350, continues to refer to the cheerfulness and optimism that accompanied a sanguine temperament but no longer has any direct reference to medieval physiology.

Perhaps you cut out already and did not find this as fascinating as I did. I love the etymology of words. I used to have a book about word origins. I think one of my dogs ate it. No really. Anyway, gotta get back to work. Hope you enjoyed todays word lesson.

Where'd I go?

Have you ever gone through a period of your life where you do things uncharacteristic to yourself. Well that's where I am right now. I'm noticing the self-destructive tendencies of my short but ill conceived youth and I need to do some serious introspection and figure out who I really want to be.

The details aren't really important. What's important is that I've allowed outside descriptors to define who I am for so long, that now that I am throwing them off I need to figure out which of those are really who I am and which were imposed from the outside. I know I'm being particularly vague here. Basically I "Became" a Christian when I was 20 and rather than defining for myself what that meant I adopted the definitions of others. Perhaps for that very reason, despite a very real inner faith, the outer trappings have never felt authentic. Kind of like that guy on American Idol who used to be in a boy band presenting himself as a rocker and yet finding it hard for others to believe in that perception of his persona.

I still have a faith in God. And some days I believe that God is Jesus. Other days I don't know. And other days I'm too tired to think about it. I'm finding the latter has been the more prevalent disposition of late. I work two jobs, I had some serious faith issues in the last few years, and I've lived in decidedly liberal, non-religious environments (NY & DC) that have forced me to reconsider many of the black and white views on the world presented to me as a baby Christian. I had already tossed many of them aside but being in a secular world sped up the process of redefinition.

I want to go on Record that I think you do not have to be unintelligent, naive, bigoted, belligerent or narrow minded to have genuine faith or to be a Christian. I know many brilliant and open-minded Christians who have a genuine and kind faith. I have a very secular and liberal background. I feel that this influences the difficulties I have found as the years of being a Christian have progressed. I know the many in the liberal world believe all Christians are right wings conservative out to abolish abortion and deny people civil liberties. I know this not to be true. That being said I've been decidedly inactive in my faith and rather than outright rejection I've let it slip away. There's a core still there and I'm not living a heathen lifestyle but I got sick of all the stress and work and self doubt and doubt in God. With how busy my life is it just got easier to fall into the complacency and self-centered behavior of my younger days.

I think partly I got sick of being the good girl with nothing to show for it. I got sick of being alone and of feeling abandoned by God. I got sick of feeling like my parents were doomed because I was pretty sure they'd never believe as I did. And I got sick of feeling guilty for not trusting that God could bring them around. I got sick of defending the fact that I'm still Jewish even though I didn't believe what most Jews believe--that Jesus is not the Messiah. I got sick of all the questions in my brain about people of other faiths, children who die young, the holocaust, the evil in the world etc. Friends told my over analytical thinking was sabotaging my faith. I got sick of worrying about it all the time and just gave up. I wondered if I clung to Christianity because there were really great people in the Church. Most of my New York friends were Christian and they weren't stereotypical by any stretch of the imagination. We went out for drinks, watched rated R movies, met in a bar. And yet while I was with them my faith was stronger than it had been in a long time or has been since. But was that only because of the social life it gave me.

I think I've lost my focus but it was good to get out. Those that happen upon this and don't know me may think I'm crazy. My Christian friends will call me backslidden. The point was that I'm doing things that go against how I've lived my life for the last ten years. And I don't want to throw off the good that has come from the life I've lived. The friends, the morality, etc. But i also don't want to be who i was when i was 18. I'm 30 and I should be wiser. But I'm doing stupid things to rebel against the self-imposed goodness for lack of a better word that I've put on myself for 10 years. I need to look inside, find what is good and who I really want to be and stand for that.

Thanks for listening.

Facetious vs. Sarcastic

One of my little things is noting the difference between Facetious and Sarcastic. I've known the meanings since I was a little girl. My parents never talked down to us and I clearly remember being in the car as a little girl. My dad said something and i said, "DAAAAAAAD!" and mom turned around and said, "Just ignore him, he's being facetious." People mostly say they sarcastic. If that were true then most people would be nasty, obnoxious people indeed.

Sarcastic is basically a way of being nasty and mean. Generally a biting comment meant to insult. Whereas Facetious is playful, fun and teasing. 9 times out of 10 when someone says they were being sarcastic they were actually being facetious. The usually sound the same but can be differentiated by the tone used. I can be sarcastic but most of the time I'm being facetious.

I met a guy recently and thought he was the one for me because 1, I never had to explain any of the words I used, and two he knew the difference between sarcasm and facetiousness. Unfortunately he was at a bad place in his life and it didn't work out but I knew that someone who appreciated the nuanced use of the English language would pose a distinct attraction for me.
I guess that's the advantage of going on dates. I have a friend that who always encourages me and our other friends to "cast our nets wider." To date people we don't think we'll like cause you never know when someone who doesn't fit all of your qualifications will be someone you can really click with. She also has a 3 date rule. I went on 3 dates with this guy but it didn't work out. The first date was great but the 2nd and 3rd were a let down. But I got to get an idea of what qualities were attractive to me and which one were deal breakers.

I decided boring was a definite deal breaker. Kind of obvious I know, but what felt comfortable and nice on the first date felt old and boring by the third. I wanted the excitement that usually comes with a new relationship and it wasn't there. I know there's a guy out there that will cause my toes to curl and stimulate my mind. And I'm willing to wait to find him. Not settling here.

At least 7 killed at Israeli seminary

'Horrific' attack by two extremists; many reported wounded

I might as well put it out there now that I am pro-Israel. I'll also put it out there that that doesn't mean I am anti-Palestinian. I've taken Middle East Issues classes and know the complexities of the situation. I also know that there are those that will never be happy until Israel is driven into the sea, as many versions of their manifesto still says. There are those that believe that it is morally equivalent to blow up a school bus full of children in retaliation for a bombing which in most cases was not only targeted at known terrorists, but is often announced beforehand to give civilians the chance to flee and in turn ruins the element of surprise. Now I by no means think Israel does everything right. That would make me an idiot. But it is not only terrorists who believe in this moral equivalence. I spent a summer in London and met many intelligent Europeans and Brits who felt this way.

I could go on for a while on this, but what really bothers me is that it is acceptable in the world to be Anti-Israel but not Anti-Semitic. And I ask - Is there really a difference, or is it an age old prejudice in a new form?

Perhaps you wonder why America should support Israel. Maybe because it is the only democratic country in the region. Maybe because whether it should have been created or not, it was and it is a nationally recognized country. Maybe because the world treats the Israeli/Palestinian issue differently than almost any other world issue and it is not fair. Muslim extremists would still hate America even if it turned it's back on Israel. People say very naive things about this issue and it makes me sick. That's all for now.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23504328/

Ruminations

So I seriously have no clue if anyone that I don't know will read this. Would be cool if they did but they might think I'm crazy, so maybe not. Anyway, the following will probably be disjointed a bit but well that's my brain for you.

First is my difficulty saying no. I mean I'm no doormat but I'm a pretty nice person. I know how hard it was for me to get off last week when I needed to go to the hospital to see my dad, so when a girl at my part-time job asked me to work for her Saturday, I really wanted to say yes. The thing is I took Saturdays off for a reason. I need a full day off with no job. I have two. I'm a marketing assistant extraordinare by day and a waitress by night. I've worked everyday since Saturday even though I'm supposed to have Monday and Tuesday night off. So I'm getting pretty tired now that it's Thursday. The thought of working everyday until next Saturday, when with my luck someone else will ask me to work makes my knees shake. So I said no. And I feel bad. But I shouldn't. I need to take some time for me. Of course it's my fault I'm working every day this week since I spent too much money on beer. But hey, "All work and no play makes CJ a"....What does it make me? I can't remember...oh "a dull girl." Right? I think it makes me a tired girl. Or woman. That's a conversation for another day.

Ok I said ruminations. But I'm out of time. Lunch time over. More later.

Word of the Day

Since I am a self professed word nerd and love doing words of the day I thought my blog should have one. Last night I decided that the word Machinations would be a fun one but was too tired to come up with a sentence for it last night. Well I was reading a review on publisher's weekly and believe it or not, there was my word.

Machinations

1. The act of plotting.
2. A crafty scheme or cunning design for the accomplishment of a sinister end.

As three high-school seniors struggle with their senior-year schedules, family responsibilities, and future dreams, the machinations of their parents and the actions of a frazzled admissions officer affect the kids far more than they know or would admit if they did.

Bomb in Times Square

Somebody bombed the military recruiting center in Times Square closing down the hub of traffic for hours. What is this world coming to. I wonder what it would have felt like had I still been in NY when this happened. I lived there up until a year ago and used to work close to Times Square. Luckily it was a small bomb set off at a time when no one would have been there, sent more as a message than a means of death. Makes you wonder if it was some anti-war protester instead of a terrorist. No matter how you feel about the war it is not right to take that out on our troops or our military. The men and women of the military fight to keep our country safe but they don't choose where they go. They go where they are sent and they risk their lives to keep those of us here at home safe.

This is a scary world we live in where violence is used to send messages. We have been lulled into complacence because no major events have taken place since 9/11. I remember how I felt that day, living in Chicago on the 10th floor of a building, not allowed into my room because tall buildings were being kept empty in all major cities. It was a warm day and I was sitting in the plaza of my college wondering how this could happen. Then we thought 6,000 had died. Even the 3,000 that did was a huge number. Innocent people who did nothing but go to work early.

My shock over 9/11 was overshadowed by the death of my beloved grandmother the next day but I remember my grief when I visited Ground Zero a month after the attack and debris was still in the air. I often wonder how many attacks have been avoided. When something is prevented you can't know the devastation that was avoided. I often wonder what the world would be like if the Treaty of Versailles had been more closely followed and Hitler had never come to power. We would never have know the brutality that we averted. Just like we won't ever know if Saddam Hussein could have done more damage than he did. We know that he would use awful methods of genocide and death. We know he was an awful man. Looking back, perhaps the price was not worth the outcome but we will never know. We know the pain of seeing our soldiers die, the frustration of being stuck in Iraq. I support McCain because I know he will do everything he can to bring us home in a victorious and responsible manor. He won't bring the soldiers home to be popular or win votes. I don't like that we're there but I know we need to be cautious in how we get out.

My thoughts go out to those in NYC and the fear they must be feeling today.

David Cook

Here's a pic of my crush. Kind of cute and nerdy at the same time. I call this nerdy cute. Not quite as naturally hot as Jason Castor or the Australian dude but way more up my alley.

BTW. Posting something like this is so not me. Who care?! It's fun!

My Embarrassing Crush

Ok, so I'm not one to have crushes on celebrities. Not real ones anyway. I mean give my Clive Owen on a silver platter and I won't feign that I'm full but I don't genuinely think I could have an actual relationship with him. I would drool as he spoke to me in his sultry voice that is like silk sheets and creamy milk chocolate all rolled into a perfect British accent. And don't start me on his come hither gaze or heated intensity. But really. What in the world would Clive and I talk about? His wife? His millions of dollars? Julia Roberts or Natalie Portman? No I don't think so.

That brings me to my embarrassing real crush on American Idol contestant David Cook. When Simon Cowell said his video about being a word nerd wouldn't do him any favors I was sitting there thinking, "What in the world are you talking about?! I just fell madly in love with the guy! Not only can he rock like nobody's business but he loves big words and uses them in everyday conversation?! And no charisma? He's obviously not an intelligent woman looking for someone who can hold a good conversation and sing them haunting love ballads!" But I digress.

I just have this feeling that if we had met in a bar or at a party before all this hoopla we would have had a million things to talk about. We wouldn't notice the time cause we'd be so engaged in our conversation. Now I can't guarantee there'd be romantic sparks, but i know that we'd take an instant liking to each other. But now that he's guaranteed to be a big star, any hope this not so ordinary ordinary girl has of meeting him is zilch. But oh how I wish we would.

Don't get me wrong. He was already one of my favorites before the Word Nerd confession. And his rock version of a Lionel Richie classic was absolutely brilliant. I also don't think he meant to insult Simon. He didn't say anything a million contestants haven't said before. Simon just chose this time to take umbrage.

So David if you somehow stumble upon this blog, know that I'm not a weird stalker, and I won't hunt you down. But if you ever want to have a stimulating conversation over IM you wouldn't be disappointed. Cuter girls may now have crushes on you, but I doubt they'd have the intellect to keep up with you.

CJ

In the beginning...

In the beginning was the word...

Well you can say that again! My older sister likes to tell me that I was just the most adorable child and she loved finally having a baby sister...until I began to talk. Isn't she sweet? What I've learned about myself is that I often think out loud. It drives some people up the wall and captivates others. I just have one of those personalities. I've learned that since my brain never stops, talking things out helps get out what's in there. I've always wished I had some of it written down but for as much as I love to write, I've never been very good at keeping a journal. I've been encouraged on numerous occasions to start a blog so what the hell, here goes nothing.

I'm sure I'll find a way to talk about just about everything but I'll list the topics that are at the forefront of my thoughts and life right now.

1. Weight Loss - This has been a battle for some time but I gave up a few years ago and in July was at my absolute heaviest ever. I'm used to ignoring my mom's nagging, but when my diabetic father came up to me on a visit home and quietly said, "I love you Carolyn and I don't want to see you get diabetes," something finally clicked. Instead of getting defensive as I am apt to do I went home and joined Weight Watchers. I'd done it before and it had worked to a point so I figured it was my best bet. I was finally settled in one place and had a good job so why not? So on July 2, 2007 I joined WW and today am somewhere about 40 lbs lighter. I still have more to lose, which I'm sure I will go into more detail on in the future, and I'm kind of in a rut right now, but I'm not giving up.
2. Dating - I'm 30 and have never married and have no kids. There are a million reasons for this but I don't feel like going into them. I have ventured out into the wild world of online dating and I will attempt to share some of the results here. Classic Line #1, "Want to come back to my place and play Wii?" Yeah that's what he had in mind. "Hello! I've known you for 20 minutes!!!"
3. Politics - In the past I've always considered myself an apolitical person and either that changing or I'm just interested because John McCain is the first candidate I've ever really believed in. I do see a lot that I like in Barack Obama but my man is John McCain. I like him for all the reasons right wing conservatives hate him. More later. But hurrah! He's finally the official Republican Nominee. Quite a turn around for a guy that was written off last November. I have to say it's a little anticlimactic.
4. Words - I love words. I'm constantly teased about my vocabulary. Shouldn't I be the one teasing people that have to ask what it means to be a cynic? Is it weird that I was able to tell someone what Pragmatic meant off the top of my head? Not sure. See I'm not just a Word Nerd, I'm also a Book Nerd. I read a lot. High Brow, Low Brow, unibrow... Whatever. It relaxes me. There's a lot to me though cause I also love TV, Movies, theatre etc. I like to think I'm more well rounded than a dry intellectual.
   

So if you're still here and gotten through this dry introduction than perhaps you'll enjoy what's to come. This first post goes out to all my girls on the 30's and single board on the WW website. I love you chica's. Well all except one. Sorry gotta be real. Anyway, sit back relax, and have fun peering into the complex, idiosyncratic world that is my brain.

Mac is Back! McCain '08