Navel Gazing

You may have noticed that I'm guilty of a bit too much navel gazing. I can't really help myself. My brain turns in on itself and out come words of intensity and emotion. It can be frustrating at times, making it difficult to relax and just have fun. I have fun, but my sense of what is fun is often different than others. If something affects me deeply it can be hard for me to throw it off and relax, even if I'm at a party. Perhaps that's why I've sought out going to bars so much lately. I tend to relax more when I'm drinking but that's my head not my body. I've been very tired lately because I've been burning the candle at both ends.

It's also why I enjoy one on one conversations so much. It's easier to get past the superficial and discuss what's really important in life. Many appreciate that about me and often seek me out to vent or to get advice. I've also seen that it turns some off as many do not like to look inside themselves, and my innate introspection also helps me see inside others and get down to what's really going on. I can see truth in expressions or what's being said between the lines of a conversation. The truth is I wish sometimes that I could be one of those people. I wish that I could push down what's in my heart or mind and just live on the surface sometimes, ignore what's really going on. The makeup of my personality and mind don't allow that. So I've learned to live in that place of intensity and empathy.

I have often disliked this side of myself. But yesterday I realized that this was more because I knew it bothered others and less because I didn't like it about myself. I love that I feel things strongly. I love that I can see the world in a way others can't. I love that I can see all the colors of the world, the vibrancy in every day events that others may see in black and white. Yes it means I'm more aware of the pain and the sadness in the world. But I'm also more aware of the joys of the little moments, the wonder of little successes. I can truly enjoy and appreciate the joys of intimate conversations and the beauty of truly knowing someone. It does make me very critical of superficiality and I don't always realize why something irritates me and may react before I have time to think.

I joke sometimes that I wish I was stupid. The old adage ignorance is bliss holds some temptation. In truth I'm proud of the measure of intelligence I've been given. It's my greatest asset and my greatest Achilles Heal. I've often notices that to find our biggest flaws you simply need to look at the other side of your biggest assets. When someone annoys you, perhaps you need to look closer and realize that those things that bother you about someone might be the very things you need to work on and that is why it causes such reaction.

I think I've lost the plot of this post. That's one of the problems with stream of consciousness. I could probably clean this up and make it more clean but perhaps you'll find some wisdom in the natural outpouring of my thoughts.

Later