You know, it can get very tiring living inside my head all the time. I can't comment on how it differs for others, maybe they all wish for a break from their thought lives sometimes. I can't say. I just know that my whole life I've been told I'm "Too Smart for My Own Good" for whatever that means. I know that I over explain things because my brain parses everything, important or not, into the tiniest fractions of relevance. In my faith journey I've struggled because my brain is constantly looking for the rational answer and faith doesn't always work that way. Actually it usually doesn't. A caring friend that wanted me to have a closer relationship with God often admonished me to, "turn off your brain." Others have interpreted this to mean that I don't believe that a thinking, intelligent person can have a deep relationship with God. That's not what I think. However I think based on my semi-Jewish, semi-secular upbringing and natural inclination to follow things to the most extreme conclusions and inability to just accept something on faith it has been personally difficult for me to, "Let go, and let God" as the common axiom goes.
I think we all have the tendency to over-think things at times. Especially when in a new dating relationship or a new job for example. Will he call, does he like me, what does it mean that he texted and didn't call etc. The frustrating thing is that I do this with everything down to pointless digressions into what I should have for dinner. I once had a therapist who asked me how I live in my brain? Some might interpret this out of context to mean she thought I was nuts. That's not what she meant at all. I think she was amazed at how self-aware I was, at how deeply and intricately I parsed every subject, at how observant I was. She observed that this could be a very tiring way to live and believe me it is. I'm as sane as anyone but if someone wonders why I talk so much it's because I tend to think out loud for some reason. That's why writing is good for me and I often wonder why I don't do it more. I think often it's easier not to process the thoughts at all. They're there whether I acknowledge them or not but if I don't vocalize them I don't have to deal with them. At least not right away. Those things that I ignore usually come back to bite me in the tuchus. Inevitable.
Friends often laugh at me because I joke about wishing I was stupid. "Ignorance is Bliss" and all that. We were actually talking about that as a philosophical conundrum in relation to a book one our publishers is putting out. The proposition is if there is a man who is very happy and thinks his life is perfect because he is ignorant to the truth, is that better than being aware and going through the pain of realizing everything is a mess. I guess there are pros and cons to both. As I am now I would say it's better to be aware. Then again one of the things my therapist was expressing by asking me that question had to do with my tendency to see things as worse than they are. Take faith for example. The difficulties I have are probably not too different from that of others who have been Christian for a while and yet anything less than a deep intimate walk with God is unsatisfactory to me and so it seems perhaps worse than it really is or how another in the same situation would view it. Even when i don't think I'm being that way people admonish me not to be so hard on myself. Others would say its just the Virgo in me popping out since I'm such a perfectionist. If I can't do things perfectly I'll often consider not attempting them at all. I don't know much else about being a virgo but that one fits me pretty well.
I guess the real issue is whether I appreciate the intelligence I was presumably gifted by God. I guess I do. I don't know if I mentioned this in the blog at all but I think my dissatisfaction has partly come from the realization that it is others dislike of certain of my qualities that has caused me to be unhappy with them, rather than my own dislike. My desire to be "stupid" is more the desire to "fit in" to be accepted by others. But when I throw down my people pleasing tendencies and really look at myself I like those quirks and idiosyncrasies. I don't really deep down want to be "normal" for whatever that means, or boring, or just like everyone else. I guess I wish more people could appreciate them but really they are what make me who i am. I march to the beat of my own drum as they say. My brain often works on a different playing field than others. I see the world in a unique way and I kind of like it. I confuse people sometimes and maybe that scares them. I don't know. I love that I am observant and see things others don't. It's like I have special goggles with which I see the world. What I need to do is channel that into writing, which is what I'd really like to do. What stops me is my desire to be as good as my favorite writers. I don't like to do things in a mediocre way. I guess mediocre is better than nothing.
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5 comments:
Very eloquent and insightful as always. And I think you would make a brilliant writer in your own right. And it's not about measuring up IMHO - you have your own unique perspective and style and those things translate well into the written word.
You need to bring CJ's fabulous intellect to the masses.
What Holly said.
Ok, ok, here's a real comment. You need to keep writing. Don't worry about whether what you write is "perfect" or not, just do it. Everything takes practice, including writing. Your favorite writers likely didn't start out being "perfect." They worked at it.
I always enjoy what you say!
Sorry to be so blunt but someone really needs to tell you this: you're not special, you may have a slightly higher than average intelligence, but you are certainly no genius. You come across as incredibly pompous. If you were as smart as you think you are you might realise that.
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